Life on Mars (or is it Venus?) I'm not sure.....

they say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
technically i'm a man, so i should be from Mars, but seeing as i do like other boys in bed i'm sure a bit of Venus was added in there somewhere.

its strange, living on two planets at the same time. even more so if you don't actually live on either of them..... yet lately that's exactly how i've felt. like i am torn between two realities that aren't even mine. like the real me, the person whom i know, love and trust is stuck in the middle with these two opposing posers trying to pull me in opposite directions.

frankly, its getting a bit crowded in my head and heart and i have to make a change. i know i have to make the biggest change i have ever made. a change so drastic and dramatic that there is a very real danger of hearts being broken, limbs being shattered and brains being splattered all across the dashboard of space and time as i slam on the brakes of my life trying to avoid a head-on collision with myself as well as those that i love with all my heart.

the truth is i am afraid. scared shit-less of the consequences of realizing my dreams and potential. it is like a wise woman once said in words similar to these "it is not our weaknesses that we are afraid of. what truly scares us is that we are powerful beyond comprehension. that we can basically be and do anything that we set our minds to"
that my friends, is what truly scares me. the though that i am good. that i am worth being loved. that i am strong beyond measure.
i am terrified of these things, because if they are true, then i have to believe them too. then i have to believe in myself as much as the people around me do. as much as God does. (my concept of God anyway)
if these things are true, then i have to take the responsibility to be those things - to be worthy of those things.

i want to run away, but i know from experience that it just doesn't help. i want to die, but i have so much to live for. i want to be loved, but once i open myself up i have to pay for that love even if i didn't choose it. nothing is for free, least of all the love you receive from others or the love you give to others. it should be, but is it really? sometimes i wonder....